#27 scars

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. " - Khalil Gibran

I will no longer be ashamed of my scars, but let them be a reminder of what, through the grace if God I have endured... The incredible 22 year journey that my Shepherd has walked me through.

#26 see through

I had a thought today.

Isn't it funny how we, as imperfect human beings judge so easily, so quickly, and so frequently?

But isn't it also true that we sin so easily, so quickly, and so frequently?

And we serve a God who IS perfection.  Who knows NO sin. Who sees EVERYTHING in us, everything we've done, thought, said, wished, prayed, caused....

So this God, who knows every shameful thing about us, who could so easily point the finger, has chosen to accept and love us regardless.  When we come before him in repentance, he always chooses forgiveness, and then casts our shame into a little thing I like to call "the sea of forgetfulness".

It makes no sense.

We are all too human to fully comprehend it.

#25 Lost in Transition

It has been a while...Its been a crazy couple of weeks.

A friend used this term last night during a chat.  She felt as though her heart was getting "lost in transition".  Do you ever feel like that?  Transition is an amazing thing.  Without it, we stay the same - we are static and immobile - and unchanging.  

But I also know that static and immobile and unchanging can be comfortable and nice.

It is winter here and I find it hard to get out of bed.  So hard in fact that I am having to stop putting my electric blanket on because the level of comfort it induces is not condusive to ever getting up.

Life is a little bit like this for me lately.  I feel like there are adventures for me to tackle, and places God is urging me to go...but these adventures can't be undertaken from the warmth of my bed.  They are outside in the cold.  They require some rugging up.  They require some discomfort as i get myself out of my warm comfort zone, and head outside into the big bad world.

So there I am.  In transition.  Uncomfortable with how comfortable I have become, knowing that its time for me to get moving.

I don't know what it is going to look like, but I know that I'm stupid if I'm disobedient.

His plans for me are for good, and not for evil.  To give me hope and a future.

I'm down for all those things.

Bring on the cold.

#24 Borders

I am in borders. I like borders a lot. I like that it has a gloria jeans coffee shop. and wi-fi access (albeit 5000 bucks an hour). I like that you can read the books and not buy them and noone gets angry. I don't understand why the mills and boon romance novel stand is smack bang in the middle of the car magazine section.

No I did not search it out.

Awkward.

I just re read excerpts from Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz". Its so beautifully written. You should check it out. He's writing a screenplay about it. I look forward to seeing it. Maybe they will sell the DVD in Borders. I'd buy it.

#23 pretending

What is it inside of us all that feels the incessant urge to convince everyone around us that we're worth it? That we're actually really cool. That we actually have a lot to say. That we are the kind of person they should want to have as a friend.

I think its possible that we all feel the need to do this. We're all as insecure as eachother. We're all as desparate to be accepted as the next person.

What if we all just stopped pretending, and stopped trying to convince the world of our merit. What if we all just got over our insecurities and chose to walk in the contentment that we're all imperfect, that we all have awkward moments, and that we all look a bit ugly without our make up on.

I know I do.

#22 for katie

you will change the world

#21 forgiveness part II

"Selfishness has never been admired."
-c.s lewis

good clive, good.

#20 forgiveness.

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
-c.s. lewis


I'm not sure what it is inside of us that tells us its OK to choose to not forgive.


I think its the same part of us that for some reason tells us that we're a little bit better than everybody else, so we're the exception to the rule.


Or maybe its the same part of us that thinks God loves us more than that person who doesn't even believe in him anyway, so its OK to be a hater.

Either way, its the part of us that should feel the weight of conviction when we look at all we've done that God in his perfection has erased.

#19 choose happy?

I had a little while ago. I was driving along in my car thinking about my future. Planning things out, dreaming up the perfect life. What kind of husband I would like, what kind of car I would like to be driving, financial seciuirty, a good job. I equated all of this to satisfaction, to fulfilment. Have you ever told yourself “I’ll be happy when “blank”. When I’m grown up and married I’ll finally be happy. When I get that job I’ll be happy. That position will make me satisfied. So here’s my thought…. What if I actually spend all my time dwelling on what it will take to make me happy, and forget to actually be happy. I don’t wanna spend 10 years wishing for something, thinking of happiness as a semi attainable goal in the future.

I choose to be happy, content, satisfied, and blessed today. And tomorow, and the day after that.

#18 majesty

I sat down under the stars
Mesmerised by the sheer size of the heavens above
Relative to such beauty, I felt as though a grain of sand
On the shores of God’s creation

But then as I once again opened my heart
To hear from the familiar voice of this creator,
It were as if this all powerful being
Was but an old dear friend

How amazing I thought…to be both mesmerised by his majesty
And soothed by the intimacy of our discourse

What a powerful thought
That the creator of the heavens and earth
Could just as easily sit and listen
To the smallest details of my comings and goings

That he could cause the sun to rise,
And my tiny heart to continue beating in the same breath

And so in this moment underneath his vast heavens
I mutter a hopeful prayer

That in my intimacy with this creator
I would never lose my reverence

And that in my moments of reverence
I would never lose my intimacy

For such a tension is the crux of my salvation
It is the beauty of the act carried out at Calvary

That he lived a life of perfection
And then suffered his last breath on the cross
So that I could once again sit underneath these stars
And intimately know the name of the one who created them

#17 vulnerable

Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.
- c.s. lewis

I have a friend that I have known for years. As small children we spent every weekend and school holiday living in eachothers pockets, sharing all the experiences of growing up, changing, and evolving. Her family had a houseboat, upon which most of my summers were spent. Hot days spent in and out of the water, and balmy nights spent lying in the dark, slowly rocking up and down with the tide. Tash and I would talk. We would talk about everything and anything, from silly little happenings in our day to huge secrets that lay heavy on our hearts. There was such freedom in sitting alone with Tash, knowing that I could say absolutely anything and never risk condemnation. I knew Tash would never judge me, never share my secrets, and never think any less of my honest admissions and thoughts. Fifteen years have passed and I can still call Tash at any time of the day or night and tell her absolutely anything with total abandonment.

There is a freedom that comes with vulnerability. Somehow things don’t seem so bad when we say them out loud, when we get them off our chest. Sometimes all we need is someone else’s perspective on our situation to help us navigate an escape route. Sometimes we need someone to just whack us on the head and tell us to snap out of it.

We aren’t robots. We aren’t perfect. It’s time to get real. Let’s create a culture of acceptance, where we are honest about our faults, and honest about our absolute and total need for God of grace and forgiveness. Find someone that can help you get to that place.

#16 airports

i am at the airport right now. if you don't believe me here is photobooth proof.



i think that old dude realised i had taken a photo of him. awkward.

i love airports a lot. I grew up living overseas, so i spent a lot of time in airports. i like to watch people and imagine where they've come from and where they're going. i will never forget once, my brother was flying in with his fiancee from London, and I was picking them up. I had arrived quite early out of sheer excitement. i sat there, and watched was what probably the most romantic thing i have ever seen. she was about 50. he was about the same age. he appeared through the doors, and she ran. he saw her. he ran. the point of impact was not even a kiss or a "jump all over eachother" moment. They grabbed hands, and just stared at eachother. and stared. and stared. and cried. and smiled. and stared. then kissed. for about 2 minutes. which is a long time to kiss...well from an observer's perspective it was. they stood there without even talking for about 5 minutes, just soaking eachother up.


by this point i am crying, and have failed to realise that my brother and his fiancee have arrived, and are standing next to me watching me sob.

then i saw them and sobbed all over again.

ooh my flight just got called. i'm out

#15 rad night

me, best friend, a blanket, a picnic, p-wick on the portable ipod dock, and a stunning sunset on the beach.

yes it sounds very cliche. and it was. but we loved ever second of it.

i don't care how amazing technology gets, and how amazed i sometimes find myself over things that human beings are accomplishing...nothing beats the original and the best creation of all time. the kind that's been there since the Good Lord put it there.

we couldnt fit our faces and the water in one shot, and since the water is the more interesting subject matter, I'll share this image....

#14 new moleskin. new day.

i have serious troubles when it comes to the purchase of moleskin journals. Now don't get me wrong, i love them more than life. But I always find myself standing for a very long time in front of the shelf, comparing the sizes and compiling huge lists of pros and cons. The smaller moleskin is very compact, doesn't take up too much room. But i have really big handwriting, so sometimes I feel a bit cramped. The larger moleskin however gives more space to write, and accomodates my mammoth handwriting script. But its extra bulk in the handbag. As you can see from the below picutre I chose the smaller one in black. It is the same size as my red moleskin daily planner, so I can stack them - but thanks to the difference in colour will not confuse them.

My first little scribble was about romans 8:28. go look it up and be enc0uraged.

#13 mystery

In the times I can give no earthly explanation
I have come to understand
That the inner workings of you
That I cannot fathom and do not know
Are perhaps better than plain logic
Though harder to swallow

In times where no reasoning will suffice
In times where mere words are not enough
When I find myself both lost and found in the sheer mystery
Of your creation

I have come to understand that what I cannot fathom is perhaps
The most beautiful part

And I continue breathing in the belief that a day will come
When I breathe my last
And I shall stand before you, the author of such mystery
And though no words may pass between us
The mystery will dissipate
In the sheer glorious light of my creator

That heaven’s gates will act as a threshold
Through which every earthly question and desire
Will be put to rest
And my soul will enter eternity,
No longer weighed down by my quest

but in the meantime…
I will choose not frustration
When my mind longs for resolve
But thank you for giving me
The ability to question

I will not blame you for injustice
Nor concede that you mustn’t be a God of love
But use the hands you gave me
To fight for the freedom of my fellow man

I will choose not un-forgiveness
When I have been sinned against
But remember your sacrifice upon a cross
That took away my right to harbour hate

I shall rejoice in the unknown
I shall willingly trust and follow
I will marvel at the setting sun and the rising moon
Content with the knowledge that they too follow your divine lead

And although my destination is at times unknown
And I do not know where my path ends
The most important truth on the journey remains
That I know and love my Shepherd

#12 grace in the gutter?

I have never actually explained the title of my blog.  

It's derived from a quote from Charles Spurgeon in his sermon, "A Divine Challenge".

God's grace can and will go everywhere.  There is nowhere we can go that his grace will not follow us, and ultimately is unable to save and redeem us from.  He is able to make something beautiful out of what once seemed lost, dirty, and shameful.

I think we often view God and place expectations on him according to our own experiences of human beings and how they treated us.  We assume that God holds grudges.  Human beings are not graceful by nature, so we assume that God is not either.

How wrong.

I was sitting with my hero/pastor this week talking about my future.  I was saying to her how I was so wary of stepping "out of the will of God" and stuffing things up.  She smiled, looked at me, and asked me a question....

"What do you know about the character of God?"

I was a little confused, but answered "Well....he loves me...and wants the best for me..."

"Exactly" She replied.  She then went on to explain that God wants to see us succeed, and will take everything we do, and turn it into something good.  His grace is sufficient.  If I take  a wrong turn, he isn't going to give up on me!  Renouncing him totally and living it up in Las Vegas for 10 years is not really helping....but you get the point.

Thank God (literally) for grace.  I am thankful that my God is a God of forgiveness and grace, whose mercies are new every morning.  

Let's stop viewing God the way we view our fellow man.  He is forgiveness.  He is love.  He is perfect.

He makes all things new.

#11 hello frezned

i discovered this dude last week. (thanks to my partner in the friendzone... andy (or smokey d as we so lovingly know him))

wow double brackets...is that even ok???

if its true that nerds are the new hot then this guy is the poster boy.

embrace him. love him. 

no smut. no filth. good old fashioned humour.

hoorah for you matey

check him out HERE 

#10 p-wick

my mate just sent me a video of this guy playing...if you haven't gotten onto him yet then clearly you need to.

not only because he does a better cover of hallelujah than (dare i say) jeff buckley.... (check it out here) but also because his music is beautiful and actually makes me want to chase jesus more than i did five minutes ago.

enjoy.

#9 tunes in the bmw

aforementioned tunes were played on my best friend's ipod that i borrowed this morning.

i got into my aunt's bmw, and closed the door on my pocket. which contained said ipod. 

and smashed it.

i burst into tears straight away. before even saying hello to the rellies.

it hurts. 

#8 tunes in the clouds

one of my favourite things to do while flying is choose the ultimate playlist while riding the clouds....these songs should not only get me psyched about my impending holiday, but should have a sense of wonder and magic to them (this adds to the wonder of the cloud riding)

today's playlist was no exception. it included:

3x5 by john mayer

opposite way by leeland

hello i'm delaware by city and colour

kingdom come by coldplay

there's hope by india arie

the heart of the matter by india arie

albertine by brooke fraser

blessed be your name mike gug

the anthem planetshakers

i set next to a french guy. he liked my music also

#7 jesus and politics

now i realise its an age old discussion and we've heard it all before, but in the face of this huge primary season it has been impossible to not be a bit caught up in the craziness of it all.  Now I am not an American myself, but as I live in the Western world it would be fair to say that this election affects me as much as any American, really.  

I used to get really angry about American politics, but then one day realised that my anger was achieving absolutely nothing.  So (as hippy as it sounds) i chose channel my anger into something that would have some sort of effect.  I decided everyday to pray that those in charge would have an encounter with the God that I know.  That's all I can do really.

But thats beside the point..

I was just reading this article about young religious groups that band together and encourage people to vote for a particular party.  Now first of all let me say that I think its fantastic these youngens care enough about the future of their country to get off their butts and encourage others do the same....

But do we have  the right to petition in the name of God?  If followers of Christ back both parties, whose to say that one group heard right and one group heard wrong?  

I often wonder what Jesus would say if he were standing among all this, watching the stuff we do in his name....

I guess no candidate is ever going to be perfect, but I think that our vote is a deeply personal thing and needs to come out of our own belief systems.  We all have different sets of ideals and ideologies, experiences, influences and beliefs...but in the end we need to try our best to put these aside, and look at the kind of society that most represents the kind of world Jesus envisioned for the church...and trust that he is powerful enough to use whoever is in charge to help make the world possible.

Am i dreaming?  maybe

#6 awkward moments that never even happened

Do you ever sit in church and imagine worst case scenarios?  And then after imagining them in your head, feel sick even though they never actually eventuated in real life?

An example of this would be during the quiet, reflective end to the sermon where the keys are softly playing, standing up and yelling some awkward profanity.

Other alternatives include items of clothing falling off your body as you walk up on stage to make an announcement, or leaving your journal on the floor, someone finding it, and reading all about your undying love for Blake, the metro sexual worship leader with thick rimmed glasses, nudie jeans, and more hair than you.

This happens to me all the time. 

#5 C.S. Lewis quote love of the day

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."

How often we think our soul secondary to our own physical, tangible presence.  

Everything is temporal.  We get so caught up in maintaining our outer shell.  Its funny to think that God sees right through it.  

#4 good music = thrice

I friend of mine introduced me to a band called thrice this week.  I'm sure I am a loser for not finding them sooner but hey.  One song that really moved me was "a song for milly michaelson".  

Go find it. 

"Here we go, hold on tight and don't let go
I won't ever let you fall
I love the night, flying o'er these city lights
But I love you most of all"

I love songs that you can make your own.  

#3 clive = the man

I realise its uber-hip to be fans of these hard cores the went before....(especially c.s. lewis thank you Narnia movies) but seriously now. 

This dude is probably about 50 times cooler than all of us.

Me and Clive have a pretty special thing going on, so expect some c.s. lewis flavoured blog posts to be coming your way.

It's just how I roll.

#2 hopeful

Let me never chase your blessing
But instead, your face.
Let the good you do
Never overshadow the good that you are



Let my love for you grow
In moments of intimacy
And manifest
In actions, rather than shallow words



Let me not grow old
Walking a distance behind you
But rather walking hand in hand
Knowing that the path travelled
Was the one you laid out for me
Before I had taken even one step



Let me breathe my last
Knowing that the one who gave me my first
Is standing with open arms
Ready to welcome me home

#1 hello

I'm nothing special really.  I have no title, I have no big claim to fame.  There is no real reason why what I have to say is really worth listening to.  But I am a 20 something product of this crazy world, walking a journey with Jesus that brings 427.8 differing emotions and experiences on a daily basis...

I live in a world that confuses and saddens me at times, and at other times brings immense joy. I live in world of "truths" that seemingly contradict the foundations upon which I build my life every single day.   And that's OK.

I read a lot. I watch a lot.  I listen a lot.  I genuinely care about the world in which we live, and am constantly bringing this world and its happenings before God,  trying to figure out where he stands on it all.  

Let this be a space for explorations, experiences, moments, seconds, encounters, and ultimately lessons learned.